So, as I sit here, looking at my computer, I'm kinda at a loss for what to say. I have a lot to say, just not sure how to put it without hurting anyone's feelings if they happen to read this...
I was over at the boyfriend's this morning because my car was being a hot mess last night, and I wanted to be able to jump it today if I needed. So. I'm over at Jase's, he's getting ready for work and I'm still sleeping.
I wake up, and ask him if he's going to have time to jump my car, and his response was "Well, my dad's here, so he can do it if you need it." Ok. #1. That's NOT what I asked. I asked if YOU had time to jump my car. I don't want to inconvenience your dad if you are completely capable of doing it yourself. #2. That's why I asked you last night what time you set your alarm, and when you said "9:30" I asked if that was going to be enough time to jump my car, and you said "don't worry about it babe." So I didn't worry about it.
So when I asked him why he didn't set his alarm earlier like I had asked him to, he said "I just thought it would give you more time to sleep." OK. Don't sit here, and make up some BS excuse as to why you didnt want to get up ten minutes earlier to help me out with something that's a pretty big deal. You just didn't want to get up earlier. And don't act like I'm crazy for getting upset with you.
What's going to happened if we get married? Are you just going to do things for me that don't inconvenience you?
Sometimes when I talk to my mom about marrying you, she just gives me one of those looks and says "I just dont know if he can make you happy like you want." Mom likes the boyfriend, she thinks he's nice and that he's a good guy, but she doesn't know if he should be the one I spend the rest of my life with. And it's things like these that sometimes make me think the same thing. And it makes me nervous. I want to get married soon, I love him and I've spent 4 years with him, I dont want to waste that or throw it down the drain. But how do I know he's going to be there when I need him? He obviously wasn't today. How do I know he's going to make me happy for the rest of my life when he doesn't reassure me?
I just don't know what to do. :(
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I'll tell you what. If you decided today that you didn't think you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, you would NOT be throwing anything down the drain. Take it from someone who's been there (ish) - it will feel like you wasted so much time and effort at first, but eventually you will just know that what you learned in the last 4 years is VALUABLE information. You deserve perfect. And if it takes 4 years to figure out that you don't want to settle for less than perfect, and if it takes you 4 years to figure out that you want to be able to depend on someone, and if it takes you 4 years to figure out that you want more from a man, and that you want a man that acts like a man, then those 4 years were SO worth it.
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