So this past weekend has been a pretty tough one.
Friday, on my way to work, my dad calls me and tells me that a really good family friend of ours had passed away earlier that day. Her name is Vet, and she has worked for my dad at The Pub for as long as I can remember. We've been very close with her our whole lives, we used to celebrate Christmas with her every year, and we would do stuff together like go to WWF wrestling matches. She's had cancer for the past yearish, so I mean, it's kind of a good thing because she isn't suffering anymore. She's been in a nursing home and just losing so much weight. I went to visit her twice, but now looking back on it, I wish I would have went to see her more. So my dad tells me 10 minutes before I go into work, so I walk in their with cry face, and everyone was asking me what was wrong which made me cry even more. So needless to say, my night was pretty bad.
Then Saturday comes, and I'm still sad, but I'm better. And Saturday was LaDawn's baby shower. I was so excited, and I went and we had a good time. But when I got home, I got a call from my brother. He told me that Jessi (his girlfriend) had a miscarriage. She had texted me earlier and told me she wasn't feeling well and that she might have a bladder infection, and she said she would probably have to go to the ER later that day if it didn't get better. Well it didn't get better, and it wasn't a bladder infection either. So my brother and I only have a 2 minute converstion because I was just at a loss for what to say. What do you say in a situation like that? So now he's not going to be a dad, Jessi isn't going to be a mom, and I'm not going to be an aunt. And what makes it even worse, is that the very next day was Mother's day. She I'm sure that was extremely hard for Jessi, I know it was for me, and I wasn't even the one who was going to have a baby.
I'm not going to lie. I am mad at God. I know it's easy when you aren't in a bad situation to always tell be "God does things for a reason..." and "I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV), but how could He let this happen? Especially 2 things right in a row like that. After I heard the news of Jessi and Tyler, I cried and threw my hands up and said "WHAT NOW GOD?!?!?! WHAT ELSE ARE GOING TO THROW AT ME?!" It's not fair. It's not fair that some people get to have strong healthy babies, but my brother and Jessi don't. It's not fair that people we love have to be taken away from us. And it's not fair that things ALWAYS seem to happen at the same time! WHY?!
I know I shouldn't be mad at God. But I am. I feel like such a hypocrite, but I can't help it. I've been asking for prayers for my brother and jessi, and even for me, so that I can stop feeling like this. I've read Bible passages about putting your trust in the Lord and I've engulfed myself in Christian music. And while reading and listening to these things, I've felt better for the moment, but when I'm not constantly being surrounded by them, I'm mad. I can't help it, and I hate this feeling. I hate being mad at God, because I know it is not right, and I know that it is not what He would want me to do. So if you could, just please continue to pray for me, my brother (Tyler) and Jessi, and my family and her's, that would be great.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5
Hey, girl. I know the feeling of being so upset and made and questioning. But stay strong, and try not to blame God. He's holding us in his right hand and comforting us in times of trouble. Whether she could feel it or not, you know he was holding Jessi in His hand during her miscarriage, and even now still. And your brother, too. Bad things, angry things, happen in life because the world was granted free will from God. That miscarriage was simply Jessi's body's response to something that maybe wasn't right or healthy. So, yes, it's easy to get mad, but instead of being angry at God, just let Him hold you. Let Him hug you and tell you that it will all be OK.
ReplyDelete<3 you, girl.