I'm a failure.

Alright, let me just tell you how big of a failure I've been this week...

My CMST class had been canceled all week, so I haven't had to go. So why didn't I go to my English class at ALL this week? I can't tell you. I had a paper due Monday, and I still haven't even done it.
Ugh, I dont even know what's wrong with me. I am only taking 6 hours (after dropping 2 classes) instead of 12. I'm not even a full time student and I still can't keep up. It's not that I'm too busy, or the stuff is too hard, it's just whenever I get home, I just want to relax. I don't want to have to do homework. Especially since I don't even know if I want to really major in communications.
I just seriously don't even have any motivation to do anything right now. I wish I knew what my passion was. I wish I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I wish I liked school and I wish I was good at it. I wish I wasn't a failure at this.

I think I'm going to start reading "The Purpose Driven Life" (for the 4th time) again. I really want to get my life in order. I want to know what I want to do, and I want to get it accomplished. I think this book will help me out. And to keep on track, I think I'm going to blog about it every night. Just I can be sure I read it instead of quitting like every other time I've tried to read it.

I'm just so ready to be done with school and to move onto the next phase in my life (aka marriage and motherhood).

I'm empty

It makes me sad to admit, but I do not feel that I am getting the spiritual fullness that I need from my church. This problem, I fear, has been a long time coming. I just don't get much out of it anymore, which upsets me beyond words.

I love all of my church family, but sometimes friendships just aren't enough in a church. It's been especially hard since most people have moved away for college and it seems like we hardly have time to have any fellowship together at church.

Not only that, but I just cannot get connected to the services. I do not feel like they are connecting with me and the way that my life is going right now.

I'm so hungry for the fullness, but week after week I just feel empty.

I'm not sure how to fix this problem. Do I stick it out because it's the church I've been going to since I was born and have so many friendships and connections with. Do I stick it out because I feel like if I don't go I might be judged. Do I stick it out because of the few things I am involved in, even if I am not benefiting from it?

Or, do I seek out another solution? Even though I hate saying it, do I seek out another church to be a part of and be active in?

It breaks my heart to think of maybe having to do that, but I don't know how to feel full if I stay in the spot that I am in.

MAD Camp 2010

Well another year at Indian Creek has come and gone. I'd like to say it passed by quickly and that I enjoyed it to the fullest, but then I'd be lying.

Needless to say, I had a rough week this past week. It all started out with our dear friend Sara Johnson's death on Sunday July 18th. Sara was a MAD camper of ours (and so were here 2 little sisters). A long long time ago, Sara and I were campers together, and then I was her cabin leader. It's just so hard to believe that she is gone from us. The weirdest thing is, is that we saw her on Saturday night at the parking lot at Mr. Gatti's. Looking back on it, I wish we would have stayed out and talked in the rain with her a little longer, and I wish I would have jumped in her car and gave her a big hug. But hindsight is 20/20. We now know that Sara is up in Heaven with God our Father, and having a good ole time!

My girls in my cabin were a little bit of a challenge this year. Although I love them all dearly, they made my week a little more rough. I had 9 girls to keep track of, and that's a lot; 3 of those girls had never ever ever been to Indian Creek before, and out of those 3, 2 of them were sisters. I had one girl I had was, awkward around people, and we had to have a bunch of talks about getting along with everyone. The first and second night my 2 little sisters were homesick. They wanted to call their mom and go home, but I didn't let them, and by Tuesday they were fine and dandy and made it through the week. I also had many of my girls that had to go to Nurse Karen. My girls probably should have had a "frequent visit" card for how many times they went there. Also, at one point in the week, I had to do a load of laundry for a few of my girls... that was... awesome.

One thing that came out of my rough cabin was I felt like God was speaking to me throughout the week. And I'm not gonna lie, I don't think that that has ever happened to me. We kinda had a bunch of problems in our cabin throughout the week, and each day I had a devotion planned for the end of the day when we were all back in our cabin, but God had different plans, and he was able to tell me that through out the day. I did one on how God made each of us different and how much He loves who we are, and how everyone should accept us for who we are, because some people felt like others didnt like them. Another night we had to have a devotion on forgiveness, and I told the story about the men who owed each other money. One servant owed his king ten thousand talents (which is about 3 billion dollars), but he begged his king to give him more time because he didnt have the money. The king just said to forget whatever he owed him. But then that servant went out and saw one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (which is only 5,000 dollars) and the servant didnt have it. So he coked him and had him thrown in jail. So when their king heard of this, he went to the servant who owed him 3 billion dollars, called him a "wicked servant" and told him that he should have forgiven the guy who owed him 5,000 dollars because he forgave his debt of 3 billion dollars. The king had the servant tortured until he could pay back all that he owed. And in Matthew 18:35 it says "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart". (Matthew 18:22-35) That was a fun devotion.

This week we also had a new camp pastor. Pastor Sherri Moulden was our pastor, and she was absolutely fabulous. I enjoyed sitting in chapel and hearing her words. You can definitely tell that she loves God, and loves what she does, and wants to touch so many people's hearts and lives. One special thing she did for me throughout the week was ask how my day was going, and gave me pats of encouragement. I'd like to say, that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been able to get through the week.

We also were able to have a band this week at MAD Camp. We were blessed to have En Gedi from Indiana Wesleyan University all week. They were fabulous and helped make chapel my most favorite time of the day. Their songs were great, and we had a great time learning them. I don't know about anyone else, but they have been stuck in my head since Saturday. The guys were also in charge of Cabin Olympics, which they took and made their own (Intergalactic Cabin Olympics) where the cabins were competing to be the leaders of the planet Zarkonia and they participated in several events that would earn the cabins Zarkons. Our cabin came in 6th (really 5th) out of 8 cabins, which was pretty good, even though I'm not sure how that happened, because my girls won a few things and we came in second and third in a bunch of events. Oh well, it was fun. :)

It was a rough week, but I'm glad I went. I'm glad to be home, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us next year.

Not so sure.

So, as I sit here, looking at my computer, I'm kinda at a loss for what to say. I have a lot to say, just not sure how to put it without hurting anyone's feelings if they happen to read this...

I was over at the boyfriend's this morning because my car was being a hot mess last night, and I wanted to be able to jump it today if I needed. So. I'm over at Jase's, he's getting ready for work and I'm still sleeping.
I wake up, and ask him if he's going to have time to jump my car, and his response was "Well, my dad's here, so he can do it if you need it." Ok. #1. That's NOT what I asked. I asked if YOU had time to jump my car. I don't want to inconvenience your dad if you are completely capable of doing it yourself. #2. That's why I asked you last night what time you set your alarm, and when you said "9:30" I asked if that was going to be enough time to jump my car, and you said "don't worry about it babe." So I didn't worry about it.
So when I asked him why he didn't set his alarm earlier like I had asked him to, he said "I just thought it would give you more time to sleep." OK. Don't sit here, and make up some BS excuse as to why you didnt want to get up ten minutes earlier to help me out with something that's a pretty big deal. You just didn't want to get up earlier. And don't act like I'm crazy for getting upset with you.
What's going to happened if we get married? Are you just going to do things for me that don't inconvenience you?
Sometimes when I talk to my mom about marrying you, she just gives me one of those looks and says "I just dont know if he can make you happy like you want." Mom likes the boyfriend, she thinks he's nice and that he's a good guy, but she doesn't know if he should be the one I spend the rest of my life with. And it's things like these that sometimes make me think the same thing. And it makes me nervous. I want to get married soon, I love him and I've spent 4 years with him, I dont want to waste that or throw it down the drain. But how do I know he's going to be there when I need him? He obviously wasn't today. How do I know he's going to make me happy for the rest of my life when he doesn't reassure me?
I just don't know what to do. :(

I just LOVE babies!

My good friend, LaDawn, had her baby yesterday!! His name is Josiah Davis. He's 7 pounds, 15 ounces, and 20 inches long! And he's perfect, and beautiful, and oh so sweet. He was born at 2:55 pm on July 1, 2010. I just love him already.

And I'm soooo proud of LaDawn. She has been such a trooper through this whole experience. She's so brave and kind and just awesome. She is going to make such a great mommy, and Josiah will love her so much because she'll be so awesome!

I have engagement/wedding/baby envy right now. I'm so jealous of all the new fiancees, and the new husbands, and the new wives, and the new mommies. There things are what I've wanted my whole life, and now that we're at that age where these things can start happening, I want them to happen RIGHT NOW! I just can't wait. I mean, I can, like, I know I should wait until I'm done with school, and have a steady/decent job, and a good amount of money. But I'm ready NOW!! JAse and I have been together for 4 years, and it makes me so jealous whenever people get engaged who haven't even been dating a year. I'm happy for them, but I wish it was me. I try to tell myself that I'm not in a hurry, but I know it's a lie. Oh boy. I was also a little jealous of LaDawn's sister Tab yesterday. She was beaming and so excited to be an aunt, and it makes me sad that I had that privileged taken away from me for the moment. I know my time will come, but it just hurt my heart a little bit.

Had a slow day at work today. But my first table was ridiculously awesome. Their bill was $23 and some change, and they gave me $40, and told me to keep it. That's over $16 for a tip! It was awesome, but totally not expected. I gave them good service and I talked to them a bit, but I didn't do anything out of the ordinary or exceptional. I guess that some people are just nice, and I love nice people!

I can't wait to be engaged.
I can't wait to be married.
I can't wait to have a family. <3

It's been a while...

It's been almost a whole month since I last blogged.

Today, June 21st, is my brother's 24th Birthday! Happy Birthday big brother! It's funny. when he moved away, I never thought that I would miss him. When people would ask me "Are you going to miss your brother?" I would immediately say "no way!". But boy was I wrong. I miss him like CRAZY! I have considered many times moving up there just so I could be with him. I love visiting him and just being able to hang out with him at his apartment all day. Sometimes I wish he'd move home, but I know how much he loves it in Cincinnati. I just hope he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him.

Went to Ichthus this past weekend. For those of you who don't know what Ichthus is, it's basically a christian woodstock. It's a 4 day music festival with all kinds of different music. I'd have to say that my favorite performer was LeCrae. He's a rapper. He was so fun to watch and had such good Godly lyrics and when he spoke it us, it wasn't a "preachy" type of speaking, it was just like he was talking to us. I also really like Franchesca Betestelli (probably spelled wrong, but I'm too lazy to look it up), the Afters, THE WEDDING, Sanctus Real, and Casting Crowns. I went with the Smith family (Scott, Joannie, Robert and Christian). I just love that I'm basically a part of their family because I'm always around them. It's nice to have so many people at my church care about/for me, even though I have no family there myself. (This picture was taken with Joannie's iPhone and we were able to send it and have it appear on the two big screens next to the main stage. We're basically famous!)

I'm ready to get my life in order. I freaked out last week because I couldn't find my debit card (for the second time in 2 months!). Luckily, it was in my car, where I thought it was the whole time, and I found it while I was cleaning. But still. I'm so over not having my life in order and not organized. It's hard though, because I'm so busy with work and other things, that when I have some free time, I'd rather spend it napping or doing something else that I love to do rather then clean and get things organized. I need to learn how to balance these things in my life. I'm ready for that.

And now I'll leave you with some sweet lyrics from LeCrae:
"People get it living for a job,
Make a little money start living for a car,
Get em a wife, a house, kids and a dog,
Then they retire, they living high on the hog,
But guess what? They didn’t ever really live at all,
To live is Christ, and that’s Paul I recall,
To die is gain and for Christ we give it all,
He's the treasure you’ll never find in a mall,
See your money, your singleness, marriage, talents, your time,
They were loaned you to show the world that Christ is divine,
That’s why its Christ in my rhymes,
That’s why its Christ all the time,
See my whole world is built around Him,
He’s the life in my lines."
-Don't Waste Your Life

Idk

Do you ever just take a step back, and look at your life, and wonder if this is how it is supposed to be? There are so many things in my life right now, that I'm just not sure of, and I don't know how to respond or what to do about those things, and it's bringing me down.