Idk

Do you ever just take a step back, and look at your life, and wonder if this is how it is supposed to be? There are so many things in my life right now, that I'm just not sure of, and I don't know how to respond or what to do about those things, and it's bringing me down.

Bubbles

While my dad is away on vacation, I'm in charge of counting the money and closing up his restaurant. I went in a little early tonight because my Insight isn't working properly and I HAVE to watch Dancing with the Stars tonight (it's the finale). While downstairs, I got to talking to a man who is ALWAYS in drinking and talking to my dad. I can't remember his name, but I see him almost everytime I'm here, and he's a real nice guy. I was talking to him, and he was telling me about how proud my dad is of my brother and me and how much he loves us. I almost started crying, because Dad doesn't tell us a lot of the time how proud of us he is and how much he loves us. Sure when we end a conversation he always says he loves us, but we've never actually had him sit us down and tell us these things. So talk to this guy was a real eye opener.
One thing he told me was that Dad is/was pretty upset about Tyler and Jessi having a miscarraige. He said Dad was so extatic when he found out because Dad never thought he'd live long enough to see his grand kids. To me, this is weird, because I've always worried about my parents not being there to see me get married or have my babies, but I never thought they worried about such things.
My parents had us when my dad was 38ish and when my mom was 36ish, which is pretty late in today's world. So, Dad's 60, and my mom's 59. Ever since I was a young girl, I've always been scared about my parents passing away before I have my 2 most important goals met. I think that's part of the reason why I was so ready to marry Matt when I was 19. I wanted them to be able to see me married, and to see their grandkids, and for me to have them be proud of the woman/wife/mother I had become.
I've always been in a hurry to get married and have babies, and after tonight, I'm even in more of a hurry to do those things so my parents can have all of their goals accomplished to.

Pentecost and sunburn.

We had our out door Pentecost service today. It was fun. Our drummer was a no show, so Adam stepped in and played the drums. And for not being a drummer, he was pretty darn good! We're all very proud of him and grateful for him being able to rise to the challenge. Also, Shawn, the choir and myself did a good job on our choral anthem "Fill A Me Up". Loved it! However, I was outside for 3 hours, with hardly any sun block on, and you know what that means? It means a really bad sunburn on my chest and the backs of my shoulders. :( Then I went to Miss Ann's house. I love having a second family. They mean so much to me, and I do not know what I would do without them. I honestly feel like I am part of their family, and I hope we are always as close as we are now. We had some chinese and sang Happy Birthday to David. Then Alex, Gabrielle, and I sat infront of the tv, watched some softball, and looked at one of Alex's scrapbooks that Angel had made. Then I took a nap. :) Went to close the pub, closed at Hacienda, then went back to the pub to finish closing, then came to Jase's and we went swimming for a whole 5 minutes. It was sooooooo cold, but felt sooooooo good on my sun burn.

I haven't been reading my "Purpose Driven Life" book since the last blog. I just haven't had the time. Which makes me sad to say, but this weekend has been soooo busy and I've been soooo tired by the end of the day to read it. I'll for sure get started on that tomorrow.

As for now, I'm ready for bed. Hopefully my sunburn won't keep me up too much.

P.S.
I GOT A NEW COUCH AND LOVE SEAT! :)

K-Love

They were playing K-Love at work today about 30 minutes before I got off work. It was so funny how much that radio station lifted my spirits. It was near the end of the day, and I was growing tired, and frustrated, and I just wanted to go home. But when I recognized the songs and the all too familiar "more music, K-LOVE", I got so pumped. I was instantly put in a better mood and was singing all the songs at almost the top of my lungs. A co-worker of mine said "What is this? Jesus music?!" and I said "YUP!". I also kept getting strange looks from my singing, but I didn't care. God had put me in such a better mood by those few songs I heard before leaving work. I wish we played K-Love all the time. Work is pretty great, but would be even better if K-Love was played.

I think I'm going to start reading "the Purpose Driven Life". I tried reading it once, and only got past one day. I wasn't in the right state of mind at that time. I have never had such a pulling to God in my life as I do right now. And I don't want that to decrease. Hopefully reading this book will help me put everything together and grow even closer to God.

This Sunday is our Penecost Sunday. I hope it goes well. It's going to be outside, and our praise team from Wednesday nights are singing/playing for it. We are also doing a "human video". The choir is singing, and I've got a baby solo/duet. I'm pretty pumped. I hope this service reaches a lot of people. Calvary Baptist Church is joining us, and I'm pretty excited about that. Maybe this is planting the seed of a growing church.

Prime Time Wednesdays are done for the summer. I'm a little sad about this, but I'm also excited for the break. It was beginning to be too much. We could never practice, especially with all of the "end of the year" stuff going on. Hopefully we'll get it together for the fall. :)

There are so many things happening Saturday. First: I should be getting my new couch and love seat delivered! I'm sooooo excited about this. I've only been without a couch for almost a month now. Ugh. Also, it's Jase's mom's 50th Birthday party, AND her and Jim are renewing their vows. I. Can't. Wait! Ra's 20th birthday party is Saturday. I'm real excited. We're going to have a scavenger hunt around the city. It should be a good time.

Where is the love?

Why is it so hard for guys to understand that girls LOVE to get flowers? My boyfriend doesn't understand the concept. We've been together for basically 4 years, and he's only bought me one thing of flowers (carnations), from wal*mart, that cost $3; and the only reason why he bought them was because I was really upset with him about something. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't appreciate them, because I really really did. I loved them. I took pictures with them. I told everyone about them. I didn't care that he got them from wal*mart instead of having them delivered. I didn't care that they were only $3 instead of $50 (I wouldn't want him to spend that much anyway). So why is it soooo hard for him to run by wal*mart every so often and pick up a thing of flowers for me, just to show me he loves me? Yeah, they die? So what? They are nice to get, and if he knows I like/want them, then why does it matter? I just do not get it. If he knows they make me happy, then why wouldn't he want to get me some? I don't want to sound superficial or anything, but COME ON!!!! What kind of girl doesn't like getting flowers?

Better

Things are looking better.

I still think I might be a little depressed from my crap-full weekend. But I'm better.

I've realized Vet's in a better place. She'd been sick for so long that I'm glad she is not in any pain anymore. I know she wouldn't want me to sulk about it anyway. Can't wait to see her again in Heaven.

As far as the miscarriage goes, I'm still a little upset about that, but not mad. These things happen. Sure they don't happen to everyone, but with God by my side, I will be able to get over this struggle and move on. I just hope Jessi and Tyler can find the same comfort in God that I have been able to find. God is soooooooo good!

I can't wait for Mitchell Farmer and Heather Middleton's wedding!!!! It's going to be in St. Louis and Charity and I are going up a night early to go out on the town. We're looking for our hotel at the moment, and we've found some that are as cheap as $39 a night! Who's pumped about that? I'm pumped about that! Of course the wedding will be a good time too! I bet Heather is going to be so beautiful. It'll be fun to party with everyone at the reception! I just LOVE weddings!

Becky's in Honduras right now, and I miss her. It stinks not being able to just text her. I cleaned my living room/dining room and hung a few things on the wall, and I wanted to take a picture with my phone and send it to her, but she wouldn't get it for another week or so, therefore it's pointless.

So my Mindy girl is in a relationship. I'm so happy for her. I can't wait for September! :)

Charity is planning another trip to IKEA. I really really REALLY hope I get to go this time. I need end tables and a coffee table for my NEW COUCH!! Haven't gotten it delivered yet. They have it in the store, I just need to call them to see when our schedules match up to have it delivered.

I'm. So. EXCITED!

I just wanna be mad for a while...

So this past weekend has been a pretty tough one.

Friday, on my way to work, my dad calls me and tells me that a really good family friend of ours had passed away earlier that day. Her name is Vet, and she has worked for my dad at The Pub for as long as I can remember. We've been very close with her our whole lives, we used to celebrate Christmas with her every year, and we would do stuff together like go to WWF wrestling matches. She's had cancer for the past yearish, so I mean, it's kind of a good thing because she isn't suffering anymore. She's been in a nursing home and just losing so much weight. I went to visit her twice, but now looking back on it, I wish I would have went to see her more. So my dad tells me 10 minutes before I go into work, so I walk in their with cry face, and everyone was asking me what was wrong which made me cry even more. So needless to say, my night was pretty bad.

Then Saturday comes, and I'm still sad, but I'm better. And Saturday was LaDawn's baby shower. I was so excited, and I went and we had a good time. But when I got home, I got a call from my brother. He told me that Jessi (his girlfriend) had a miscarriage. She had texted me earlier and told me she wasn't feeling well and that she might have a bladder infection, and she said she would probably have to go to the ER later that day if it didn't get better. Well it didn't get better, and it wasn't a bladder infection either. So my brother and I only have a 2 minute converstion because I was just at a loss for what to say. What do you say in a situation like that? So now he's not going to be a dad, Jessi isn't going to be a mom, and I'm not going to be an aunt. And what makes it even worse, is that the very next day was Mother's day. She I'm sure that was extremely hard for Jessi, I know it was for me, and I wasn't even the one who was going to have a baby.

I'm not going to lie. I am mad at God. I know it's easy when you aren't in a bad situation to always tell be "God does things for a reason..." and "I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV), but how could He let this happen? Especially 2 things right in a row like that. After I heard the news of Jessi and Tyler, I cried and threw my hands up and said "WHAT NOW GOD?!?!?! WHAT ELSE ARE GOING TO THROW AT ME?!" It's not fair. It's not fair that some people get to have strong healthy babies, but my brother and Jessi don't. It's not fair that people we love have to be taken away from us. And it's not fair that things ALWAYS seem to happen at the same time! WHY?!

I know I shouldn't be mad at God. But I am. I feel like such a hypocrite, but I can't help it. I've been asking for prayers for my brother and jessi, and even for me, so that I can stop feeling like this. I've read Bible passages about putting your trust in the Lord and I've engulfed myself in Christian music. And while reading and listening to these things, I've felt better for the moment, but when I'm not constantly being surrounded by them, I'm mad. I can't help it, and I hate this feeling. I hate being mad at God, because I know it is not right, and I know that it is not what He would want me to do. So if you could, just please continue to pray for me, my brother (Tyler) and Jessi, and my family and her's, that would be great.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

My Best Becky Friend

Went and saw my best friend Becky perform her junior recital this weekend. It was pretty marvelous if I do say so myself. She is such a talented singer and performer. I am so glad she changed her major!!! She will definitely do good things with her voice and her ability to put on a show. I teared up during the last song of her recital. It was soooo funny and I was soooo proud of her, I just couldn't help myself. I'm so lucky to have such a great best friend.